I keep asking myself why? Over and over why? Why did one of my best friend died today. Ricky who I have worked with for 8 years. Ricky who a lot of people would call my work husband. Why did Ricky have to die. Why did that jeep with the trail crash right into him. Why does this hurt so much. Why do my eyes keep dripping tears when I'm not even thinking about him.
This is what happened to me today. I was shopping with my husband when I got a phone call from my boss, who is like family. She asked for me. I said yes, then she said Rick didn't make it. I didn't under stand what she was talking about. She then said he was in a car accident and he died. Right there in the store I started to lose it. John kept asking whats going on. All I could do is head for the front door of the store to get out. I need out before breaking down in the store. On the way to the car I told him so we headed straight from Rick's house where is girl friend and two girl were.
After being there a while I told John I need to go to where the accident was. I need to see it for myself. I don't really know why. We pulled up to the seen. It was all taped off. We parked and walked slowly up the road to where the car was. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I still don't know why I wanted to go. There were other people there looking to see what happened. I was there to help it sink in. I kept thinking this is a sick joke until I saw the car and the gray tarp. There was two younger girls there who said " I think someone died". I looked at her with my face looking like hell and said "yes my best friend did". Their faces dropped and they both said they were deeply sorry. I looked back at the seen one last time and I want go into dealtail about what I saw but it was enough to drop me to my knee and ball. John walked up behind me and helped me to the car.
I really don't know how to deal because I have never lost anyone so close to me before. It feels like a dream. I'm going to wake up and everything will be ok in the morning. I know better but that's what I want.
It's really hard because my son keeps asking me if I'm ok. I keep saying no. He understands and feels for me. He keeps saying he's sorry. I keep telling him he doesn't need to be sorry. We just look at eachother.
I don't even know why I'm writting this. I just needed to get it out. Why?